What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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