I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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