When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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