i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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