haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
