SEEEEXXX PLEASE
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
