Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
