Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
