I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
