I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
It was confusing and full of hummus
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
