in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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