Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
