Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
