i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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