I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
