she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
