I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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