I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
how does that bad decision feel?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize