Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
