I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
