Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
