I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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