took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
