I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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