goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
