You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
