Non-Jews are for practice
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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