im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
