my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
