I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
