I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
