Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I woke up under a house in Key West
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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