I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
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