i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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