If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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