Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
