i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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