we're chasing vodka with high fives
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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