Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I can text with my tongue
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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