I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
