Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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