He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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