I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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