i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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