Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
