I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
