Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
