What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
