I puked a lego.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
