I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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