I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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