happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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