She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
