Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
